I Can Smell a Douche From a Mile Away, Part 1

I’m ridiculously thrilled with a book review I wrote on Goodreads. It wasn’t, as I say, a bad book…just unnecessary. Has anyone else read it?

The book is called “God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m Fucked” by Darrell Hammond, who was on SNL for a boatload of years. My personal favorite character of his was the dirty-minded Sean Connery on Jeopardy. (I’ll take “The Rapists, Alex.”). So, yeah, it’s that guy. He seems like an okay guy, and I probably shouldn’t call him a douche, but I fear this is the future of books. Here is my review:

Eventually, the only major book deals out there will be given to celebrities and people with built-in “platforms” (e.g. people whose books will sell regardless of the quality, thus earning the publisher back the money it spent on the advance). Then we will all be left reading books like this.

It wasn’t that this book was bad, it’s just that it was not necessary. This is a multimillionaire talking about how he is a victim, the world owes him something cuz he’s here, and his life sucks. Oh, I’m sorry, did I mention that he is rich and famous? How exactly is he a victim? What else does the world owe him, exactly? And how again does his life suck?

If this book had been written by a non-celebrity, I would have been all over it. Except that it couldn’t have been, because the non-celebrity would be dead. This guy was given chance after chance. Total strangers recognized him and helped him out. He went into the most expensive rehabs. He kept his job even though he tried to cut his own arm off at work. How many of us non-celebrities would have that many chances? Maybe a few, but we wouldn’t get a book deal when it was all said and done.

I’m sorry for Mr. Hammond’s abuse by his mom. It sounded bad but, and this is going to get me some shade but I’ll live, I’ve heard worse. I’ve heard much worse. And from people who don’t have millions of dollars with which to deal with it. Yet somehow, these people don’t feel like victims, don’t feel owed, and still go on to lead decent lives.

I’m sorry he has the addiction gene. There but for the grace of God go I. But again, I know plenty of people who have that and don’t get book deals because of it.

All of that said, he seems like a decent guy. I’d like to hear from his daughter, the one he credits with saving him, and see what kind of dad he really is/was. I’d like to hear from the editor who bought this book, and why he/she thought we needed to read this. I’d like to hear from the millions of people who are screaming to be heard–the lost souls who need to be listened to and helped if they want it–but won’t because they can’t guarantee first spot on the best seller list.

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