All posts by Patti Smith

Chin Up!

People who know me know that I loathe motivational sayings. Why? Because it’s always the successful people spouting them off. It’s great that (insert megastar celebrity) wants me to keep on hanging on and never give up and I love that (insert megastar celebrity) wants me to know that winners never quit and if I can see it I can achieve it.

I’d prefer to hear from people who aren’t quite there yet. But nobody listens to us so there we are.

This past weekend brought a HUGE helping of depression/anxiety/malaise such that I missed some work. I sad something pitiful on Twitter and a few hours later, I got the most delightful text from the most delightful person. It said this:

And that’s totally true. First of all because I’ve been known to literally wear a tiara around my house (I have two, from both of my weddings) and second of all because it’s true even if the tiara is invisible which it normally is because people look askance at someone wearing a crown just randomly.

I plugged ahead and had a good Saturday (Ken planned Date Night at ROAK Brewery and then GO Improv) and great Sunday! I got to play DJ at my brewpub’s Halcyon Sundaze. I can’t remember all what  I played (I sort of black out when I’m up there) but I believe it included Neil Young’s Hey Hey My My (I meant to play My My Hey Hey but screwed up and why the fuck do they have to have such the same title? Thanks Brother Neil), Doobie Bros’ It Keeps You Runnin, Pet Shop Boys What Have I Done to Deserve This, motherfucking Shalimar Dancin in the Sheets, Pointer Sisters (cuz hell yeah!) Neutron Dance, Police’s When the World is Running Down, Kinks All the Day and All of the Night, Yaz’s Situation,  XTC Senses Working Overtime, and of course ended with the Coconut song because I always do!

Did I have any idea what I would play before I got there? Nope. I don’t pick the sets! The tunes pick the sets, man! (Well, that and I borrowed my friend’s vinyl so I had to pick from there). All vinyl set, dawgs. BOOM! Had to keep my chin up, because I never want my tiara to slip.

 

Speaking Up & Out

There is much to speak up and out about these days. Maybe there always has been. I have been trying to do my part. Two weeks ago, I went to the Northlands Storytellers’ Conference in Wisconsin. It was the first time I have returned to Wisconsin since my disastrous law school experience. I didn’t quite have a nervous breakdown and the wind didn’t like suck my car back as I tried to escape after it was over, but I still had a few bad dreams (the same ones I always have–I’m living my normal life but somehow I have to go back there and live there and utter terror fills me). I am working on a story to address this and I think it will be quite cathartic.

Otherwise, I learned quite a bit about the craft and how I have a long way to go! I did learn about the theater of the oppressed and that was cool.

Also, I had lots of butter. This was legit one of the best meals ever so yay on Wisconsin for that one.

 

This past week, I hopefully used some of that new storytelling prowess as a guest teller at the annual Telling Tales Out of School benefit for the Student Advocacy Center. This is a very necessary organization that helps students and parents.

I told my story called “Mindy” about a time my friends and I bullied someone by omitting her from our group and the repercussions 20+ years later. (In other words, what happened in 1986 no longer stays there).

I appreciate anyone who listens to this, by the way. Unfortunately for me, the only way into the storytelling thing is through the Moth. I can’t do the Moth for a variety of reasons–the public judging by people, the time limit…I have friends who rock it and a friend who produces it and I respect the hell out of those folks but I am completely cut off from the attention I would like. As usual, wrong place/wrong time for me. Anyway, any feedback is welcome!

Here are some pictures of me, as taken and posted to Twitter by our local superintendent. No big de–OH HOLY SHIT YES THAT IS A BIG DEAL!

My legs really ARE that fat!
Gimme FIVE!

The next night, my friend Jess & I had a Salon! MOAR TALKING!!!! Specifically about affordable housing. We were like oh shit it’s just gonna be us but Ann Arbor said NOPE and people showed up! Did we solve the problem? Of course not. But it’s a good place to start!

Yup. Pretty much looked just like this!

Springtime in Ann Arbor

An amazing history book once said something about how there is nothing like Ann Arbor in the springtime.

Hahahahahaha! It’s funny ‘cuz I’m talking about my book ~

Order it please. Thanks!

(I also have a food co-op history book that is still hanging out, waiting to be purchased at the co-op).

But yeah I wasn’t kidding when I said there is nothing like Ann Arbor in the springtime. It really is quite lovely.

We start in March with our Film Fest and that is really the first sign of spring for me. Ken and I are volunteer screeners so we get to see some of the stuff early and we get a free pass to see whatever we want. Believe you me I wear that thing like a goddamn badge on my arm.

April brings spring break, part of which I spent with my dad in Florida.

So it’s possible that Ann Arbor does not have sundown drum circles on the Gulf of Mexico

It is possible we do not have ANY sundowns on the Gulf of Mexico. Do not hold this against us

My dad took us on a boat ride! I love boats! You know how some people want kids? That’s how I want a boat. But I will not get one because life has been cruel. (I’m just kidding. It’s fine)

I’d really like a boat though.

But anyway so springtime in Ann Arbor is awesome even if we don’t have the Gulf and boats. We do have drum circles. I have gone to them.

We also have this:

This is a shirt from the Smithee Awards. My very good friends put this show on every year. If you like MST3k, RiffTrax and all that, then this is the show for you. It is 19 categories of bad movie clips that we then vote upon and also we eat really bad for us snacks.

FoolMoon and FestiFools also happen in April!

Ken got me a glowing skirt to wear and also glowsticks!

The parade was its usual fun, with a decidedly political twist.

Yup. That’s Betsy!

To round out this most lovely season, we have the Water Hill festival in May and one of my favorite events, the annual Telling Tales Out of School fundraiser! I spoke last year and am speaking again. Apparently, I am on YouTube which is both thrilling and terrifying.

Today though is possibly the most meaningful day because it is the sixth year anniversary of meeting Ken Anderson! I went to a Sci Fi/Horror Meet Up and me being me asked everyone to write down their names so I could friend them on Facebook after. I wasn’t sure about that quiet kind of snarky guy with the really short hair (dyed white, for reasons I still don’t get and we still argue about) but I sent him a friend request. He accepted almost immediately with a comment like “God, you sure move quickly.” Boyfriend had NO idea. Happy six years, Kenny!

Ann Arbor’s Algonquin Round Table

I had dreams once. When I realized the Harper Lee thing probably wasn’t going to work out so well, I started casting about for something else. At some point I stumbled onto Dorothy Parker, who seems to always be described as a “legendary wit.” Why, yes, thought I. Let’s do that!

Quickly I realized that that bish was kinda cray and also really, really mean. While I can be very nasty, I try not to. Being the crank and pointing out the flaws of others doesn’t really work for me. And come on! That ho be rich! Why she so mad?!??!?!??!

Anyway, I did discover something very cool and that was the Algonquin Round Table. See, apparently once long, long ago one could make a living by writing (I know. I was shocked, too) and that’s what most of these people did. They had plenty of time in their day and thus were able to eat lunch together every day. Wut?!?! What a marvelous idea, thought I.

Since my friends and I have to work for a living, the every day lunch thing was not in the cards. I sort of put the whole Algonquin thing on hold.

I met my friend Jess. It happened as things often do–I posted something on one of my Twitter accounts about hosting a Salon. Someone asked if she could come but alas, I didn’t check that particular account until after the Salon happened. I felt awful and suggested we meet up for coffee (or maybe she suggested it, I don’t know, but I did feel bad). During the course of our conversation I happened to mention my idea about reviving the ol’ Algonquin Table. To my delight, Jess’ face lit up and she said she had also had that idea!

Since we live in the greatest place on earth, we were able to make it happen. We had our first Ann Arbor Algonquin Roundtable yesterday!

Yeah okay whatever. It worked.

Our attendees were me, Jess Letaw, Ben Connor Barrie (founded of Damn Arbor), Kassy Frost, Jim McBee (of The Ann), Scott Trudeau, Jeff Gaynor, Jack Jennings. Our friends Linh and Dug Song were at the next table with actual, real print media because….

Our topic was Local Media, particularly the loss of local print media. We started by discussing where we got our local news from and overwhelming we used our friends on social media. Jess uses what I called the “two friend authentication” wherein she will read something if two friends post it. Several of us are enjoying the new daily news aggregate put out by The Ann.

This was the “smile!” picture

Question 1: Is there a silver lining to the demise of local media/print media?

One thing we agreed upon was that more diverse voices are getting heard. For instance, Ben helped to start Damn Arbor in response to the lack of local coverage of student issues. We aren’t as beholden to advertisers as in days past (for example, when you had to cover the buddy of the publisher even though the buddy was a dick). Also, there are different ways of telling the stories these days (videos, pictures, etc). Media is also moving in the direction of the rest of the economy in that it supports the “gig” economy and offers flexibility. (But also pays less and asks its artists to do things “for exposure”)

But for better or worse, there is no barrier to entry these days. As I am fond of saying, any crank can put a little “press” card in their hipster dudebro hat, eat crayons, and then vomit words onto the screen. So one has to be very careful where one gets her news.

Years from now, people will reenact this very photo and ask, “Why is that woman so angry??? WHY IS SHE SO MAD?”

Question 2: What did we lose when we lost local media?

Jack pointed out that we don’t have media icons any more. We don’t have people we implicitly trust, columnists we know we can rely on. As we noted above,  the bar for entry into the media pool is quite low and fake news is everywhere. How is “fake news” even a thing?!?!

Question 3: How do we pay for local media? How do we support the common good? Can we?

We discussed whether we can pay for this common good in a capitalist society.  Do we use a subscriber base? Ben guessed it would take at least $300,000 to even get something started. Jess suggested a model where someone said okay if we raise $X, we can do this. If we raise $X + 5,000, we can do this and so on. Scott suggested a millage, which led into discussion of government-run presses. Kassy opined that we should fine the fake news sources and use that revenue, which got us talking about the First Amendment and led into a slander/libel talk.

Question 4: How do we support local media?

I am going to update Arbor Wiki. In the entire discussion, we overlooked the local wiki and it needs some attention and love. Jack was going to sign up for the daily Ann. Jeff said he would subscribe to the local Pulp blog. Scott will keep donating to the places he supports. Jim (who puts out the daily Ann aggregate) wants to expand the base and increasing marketing opportunities. Kassy wanted to look more into the fake news avenue.

Yeah, we’re way cooler. #sorrynotsorry

We made this happen, my friends and I. We didn’t solve the problem, but that wasn’t the intent. We sat in person together and discussed an issue that is important to us all. We agreed upon concrete steps we can take in the future. And we will do this again.

And we did it all without being mean and nasty!

HERsay audio

I haven’t gotten the pictures from HERsay yet (the one and only Kevin Sharp took them and they will be fabulous but we haven’t gotten it together yet, he and I). BUT, I do have audio.

I turned on my phone recorder to pick up my “1984” story and turned it off right after. This story is NOT SAFE FOR WORK or small children and plants. It’s about dicks.

Weirdly, the recorded decided to spring back into action at some point in the show. Ever the team player, it stayed on for 20 hours recording some of the show, weird mumbling, and silence that I don’t listen to too closely for fear of hearing some ancient thing in my house.

The recording below is an improv skit that I did with my friends Halla Motawi and Chris Wagner. We called our troupe the Push Ups (#sorrynotsorry) and it was the first time we ever performed live. They are some funny chicks so I think you will enjoy it. I am the donut shop/bath salts/coffeehouse owner and Halla and Chris are the siblings.

The actual game is called Sentences. Prior to the show, we asked audience members to write political, feminist or just plain fun phrases or words onto file cards. We put the file cards into our bras and pulled them out at various points in the skit. You will know them when you hear them.

You Say It’s Your Birthday? It (was) My Birthday, Too!

Decades ago, when I watched every single Kids in the Hall sketch (on videotape or DVD), there was a great bit called, “He’s Hip! He’s Cool! He’s 45!”

Haha! Oh that’s funny, I thought. I’ll never be that old! Hahahaha!

Yet here we are! As of 10:39pm on March 17th, I indeed became 45 years old (always been hip and cool IMHO).

Because I like my birthday, I tend to make it into a multiday celebration and coerce people into doing things with me! We started on Thursday with HERsay 2: We Got Somethin’ To  Say (I forgot to say it at the event, but that comes from Fuck tha Police wherein Cube goes, “Yo Dre, I got somethin to say”). It sold out a few weeks in advance but I still had a serious Brick Shitting Moment a few minutes before, terrified because a few seats were empty (they filled up though).

My dearest beloved friend Kevin took the pictures and I don’t have them yet but imagine me telling my story called “1984” (about dicks, cuz of course) and then doing improv with some super talented friends of mine. Something about a donut shop and a donut called “Tell Leviticus to Blow Me” and the “Dildo donut” that I lifted with both hands. I sort of black out when I’m up there and that’s all I really recall.

We had lunch at Ricewood BBQ on my actual birthday! Yummmmmmm! MEAT! Kevin remembered to take a picture luckily because I never do. There were more people there but they were getting MEAT and/or having meat shits somewhere.

Yes, I’m wearing a crown.

Then I got my free birthday coffee from Roos Roast and went home for a nap. Yum! Ken and some friends and I went to the old person’s dance party at Live. It starts at like 5 and goes until about 8 and is just an amazing blend of old timey Ann Arbor people. Everyone is super friendly and no one seems to care that I dance like Elaine from Seinfeld (a show I’ve never actually seen but I hear that I’m a lot like her character. I wish I was the actress in real life ‘cuz her grandpa was a billionaire. What would I be doing if I was a billionaire? Not acting or doing much else!)

It was icy and shitty and so Ken and I just got Blank Slate ice cream and came home. My mom came over on Saturday and then we had the bigger party at my second home, the Corner Brewery. Here are some pictures!

That swirly one is the best, truly. It looks like it is moving if you stare at it long enough, which I do!

The weekend was supposed to end with Puzzling (sort of happened) and Square Dancing (did not happen) but instead ending with Napping because I really enjoy napping. Ken had his gamer friends over and so they gamed and I napped. Then I went to our neighbors’ house for the usual Sunday dinner.

I don’t think I will live to be 90 but in case I do then I guess we are halfway there!

The positives:

  1. Certainly never did I ever think I would get one, let alone two, dudes to marry me! Finding a guy who didn’t want kids was always a challenge yet here we are! Ken seems in it to win so that is a positive!
  2. Never did I ever think that I would so fall in love with a town and have it (mostly) love me back. Did not think I would write two history books about it and have people seem to like them. Did not think I would write for several local publications and have people mostly like the articles except for a few people who are going to hate because #haters.
  3. Very pleased to be described as “local celebrity” even though I don’t agree–that title really belongs to Julie Weatherbee.
  4. Live in lovely Village in lovely Ann Arbor!

Horse is probably out of the barn on these ones:

  1. Getting a book deal that would set me up for life. No one gets “discovered”–it’s not a thing, people. The whole dream of the big life shattering book/movie thing has ran from the barn and is far afield never to be seen again.
  2. Getting back down to a size 9/10. That happened once in law school and unless we enter a time of famine, this horse is also far far away.
  3. Having a job like I did in Detroit where I was an extremely effective and loved classroom teacher. Those don’t really exist anymore.

Hey that’s really it for regrets! Those are the only three things really missing/that I regret so I guess that’s no so bad!

Thanks to everyone who celebrated my birthday with me!

 

 

 

 

It’s Never What You Think It Will Be

Newsflash–your dreams won’t come true. Just because you can see it doesn’t mean you can achieve it. You can “never give up” and still never get what you want.

But the good news is–it’s all okay. Let’s back up a bit.

I don’t see a lot of movies simply because I have a very hard time sitting still for that long. If I’m really into something, I can make it but if it loses me then I’m a fidgety nightmare and very uncomfortable. So what I usually do is read the synopsis on Wikipedia or somewhere and decide if I think I can make it. (Yes, I know I am spoiling myself but I am also one of those people who looks at the last page of a book before I read it, so there you go!).

Folks were talking about La La Land and how it encourages folks to never give up their dreams. This is just a silly message, so I knew I’d never see it but I wanted to see exactly how the people reached these dreams. When I read how the SPOILER lady becomes a famous actress, I started to giggle so hard that I almost choked. Legit, she puts on some shitty one person play, no one really sees it but someone a famous talent scout/director type sees it and calls her to audition for his movie.

Because that happens.

Yeah, I know it’s just a movie and people who have seen it probably can explain it better but…seriously? I fully believe that most of achieving anything is dumb luck combined with being in the right place at the right time (something I rarely am). So while I definitely saw myself sitting with the huge book deal and cult following, I most likely will not be able to achieve this without some huge, huge stroke of luck. Like, you know, a big timey book editor reading this blog and deciding she has to have all of my work.

Because that happens.

At some point, you get to the river where upon “having big dreams” is on one side and “crazy pants” is on the other. And hopefully, you dive into the river of Checking Oneself and Realizing It’s Okay to Temper Your Dreams. It’s okay to realize you aren’t going to be on the red carpet or playing at the big arena stadium or whatever pie-in-the-sky fantasy we all have. It isn’t easy, and it’s extremely painful to watch it from afar, but it’s okay. And no, just because it happened to someone, most definitely does not mean it will happen to you.

I love numbers. And I love looking at probabilities and I try to explain this to kids not to discourage their dreams but to encourage reality and a back up plan. If 3,000,000 books are published each year, and maybe 10 had big timey deals, and you remember maybe three of those titles in a year…well, those aren’t really good odds, are they? But if you check yourself and adjust expectations and decide that self publishing a “how to” guide for travelers to your hometown is as meaningful as all of the awards and accolades, then you will be fine. (And I don’t mean this to be a pejorative. I mean that examining what is meaningful is very important)

I recently went back and polished up a book (that will not get published, and that’s probably okay) and literally watched myself mature over each rewrite. When I first scribbled it out in 2000ish, I had the main character as a big timey author with huge advances, no other job except writing, a movie deal in the works, and a cult following. A few years later, the advances were lower and the movie deal wasn’t mentioned. Then we went to a Michigan based author who taught some college classes to make ends meet. Now we landed on a teacher who is trying to get a book published.

The story I want to see/read is from the people who didn’t have the talent scout at their shitty play. I want to hear from the people who never even started (wanted to be an actor, never even auditioned for a play), the people who tried but then realized that it was the right time to walk away (maybe got a few acting roles), the people who got real close (got an agent, didn’t get any good roles), thought they had it but it wasn’t what they thought it would be (maybe had one big role or something), and how it is ALL OKAY.

 

 

 

Like that sliver of food in your teeth….

….I won’t go away.

Well, I did. Much of Ann Arbor did. After the election, we had a nervous breakdown. People weren’t answering emails, we were hiding, we were and are devastated and terrified.

But….

We are back. Ken and I drove eight hours to the Women’s March in DC. It was an experience unlike any other. We stopped at a rest area in PA and half the place had pussy hats. I went up to a random table and said “SOLIDARITY! I’m from Ann Arbor!” and they said “Chicago!” and people started yelling out home states and towns. It was glorious.

We ran into pussy-hatted friends all over in DC, including at the hotel (dude noticed my sweet ass WEMU hoodie and that sparked the conversation).

Since then, I’m staying woke (been woke for a minute but still):
a) Starting a kids’ book about fallacies and how to fight them (some of my girls and I are on this. Indiegogo coming soon)

b) Starting an Ann Arbor area Algonquin Roundtable with my friend Jess.

c) Hosting Salons (Husband Ken, the introvert, is nothing if not a team player and is in this to win it!)

d) Co-organized, emceed and told at the Bad & Nasty Cabaret in Ypsilanti. Because fuck you, (not my) president.

e) We’re doing a thing again on March 16th. Cuz we got somethin’ to say: https://www.facebook.com/events/1431828436850662/

Fewer than 20 tickets remain, so buy early and often 🙂

We aren’t going away. We’re worse than that thing stuck in your teeth. We are the Resistance, motherfuckers.

More in Common with that Dumpster Fire

I realized that I have even more in common with Trump than the three things I posted last time. ARGH!!!!!

4) NOW I GOTTA DO A THING?!?! I love planning. It’s so delightful! I love signing up for things and agreeing to do things and volunteer? Why yes! I’d love to!

But then I gotta do a thing. And that sometimes sucks.

So I feel Trump on the way he wants to get out of this whole “being the president thing.” If I was similarly situated, I could totes see myself being “HELL YEAH LET’S RUN!”, figuring I’d have no chance to win. But then I’d win and be like, “Shit.” NOW I GOTTA DO A THING!

(pretend there’s a cute kitten picture here)

I had a similar thing happen years and years ago (pre-Meds, so don’t judge too harshly). I was doing legal aid part-time, teaching part-time, and then got called for an interview at a place I had applied to years before. The place was located in Ann Arbor and back then, I still had dreams of working where I lived. (This dream has long turned to dust as local districts are now rejecting me for jobs I didn’t even apply for. Seriously). So I went for an interview. The guy was kind of weird, but not creepy. Then I had a second interview and the other people were nice, even though the head guy was still a little off. Then I had yet a THIRD interview for a $10/hour, 20 hour per week job and I thought, “Huh. This is odd.” But they bought me lunch so why the hell not? Then I finally got an offer like a month and a half after this whole process started. I immediately accepted the offer because a) I had dreams then and b) I kinda wanted to make them employ me after all of the hoops they made me jump through.

(pretend there’s a cute meme here)

But then I realized SHIT I GOTTA DO A THING. I did not want to do this job. I did not want to work for and with the little weird guy. I also did not want to give up a $25ish/hour job for a $10/hour job, regardless of where that job was located. So I bailed in the least graceful way possible. (The guy read my former blog and I posted a blog post basically expressing viewpoints that were opposite of what the job would be and of course guy called me and said thanks but no thanks).

It was pre-Meds so please don’t judge too harshly

Point being, I got out of it with a blog post that I later deleted. This dude has appointed literal Nazis and people who want to destroy the departments they will be heading and we still won’t let him out of it. Maybe he should start a blog.

(pretend there’s a cute picture of a doggie wearing glasses and typing on a laptop here)

5) I don’t want to leave my hometown either. I hear that D don’t wanna leave the NYC. I feel you, brah. If I won president, we’d move the national’s capitol to Ann Arbor. #sorrynotsorry

My friends are here. They seem to like me here. I like the downtown and the Huron River is really nice. My couch is here, and it is quite comfortable. I like in this idyllic little condo place literally called The Village, and my neighbor has Sunday dinners. Why would I want to leave? We bring Capitol to me! My friends could all pick whatever cabinet post they wanted and we’d have a grand old time! Meantime, we could turn the White House into a homeless shelter and save some people.

(pretend there’s a picture of me in front of the WH Homeless Shelter, saving all the people)

This is Embarrassing but I have things in common….

…with Tr*mp. Other than the usual–we both poop, we intake oxygen at regular intervals, sneeze. But it goes beyond that. I’m not proud of this, but I feel him on some things, to wit:

1) I can hold a grudge. Did you piss me off in the third grade? I remember you! If we run into each other on Facebook, I will not accept your lame little friend request! Likewise, dum-dum seems to hold onto slights for an abnormally long period of time.

How can I fix this? This will be tough. The grudges feel my soul and keep me alive.

How does D fix this? Call up all of those people from high school, yell I’M THE PRESIDENT SORT OF KIND OF OKAY I DIDN’T REALLY WIN BUT I’M STILL GOING TO BE LIVING IN THE WHITE HOUSE FUCKERS. That’s what I would do. Will do, if I’m ever not-elected president.

2) I have a realllllllllly hard time letting go of things and people. Did I have a crush on you in high school? I probably still do! If you’re super lucky, you show up in a book! I’m too freaky-deaky shy to look you on up FB, but don’t think I’ve forgotten. Perhaps more sanely, I have a hard time letting go of friendships and thanks to social media, I am compelled to try to reignite friendships from years gone by. I always assumed I would be the big time author/lawyer/whatever (see previous post) and then swoop in to reintroduce myself to people, but social media came first. Fortunately for us all, as I said I am freaky-deaky shy and don’t randomly search for people because my stomach would get all tingly and my face all purple.

How can I fix this? I probably won’t. It’s pretty harmless.

How can D fix this? He has enough money to track down his high school crushes and enough money to pay them for things. Do it, get it done, move on son.  Since he has a “platform”, he can publish a book at will, too.

3) I used to lash out at people. Oh boy, this is a big one and really not something I ever thought I’d admit publicly. For much of my life, I had what one might call impulse issues. One could further take the hyperactivity test and find that while one does not have the “AD” part, one definitely has the “H” part. One might also be given tests to measure depression and anxiety and score off the charts. One might refuse to take the bipolar test because one has enough things on her plate, thanks, and I’m okay with where I’m at. But until those tests were taken by me (I’m back in 1st person, yay), I sort of limped along in life. I had/have a high IQ and can really focus when I like what I’m doing, so that got me along until my mid-20s when I was in a career that bored the shit out of me and required me to focus for long periods of time.

Okay anyway, so until then, I really lashed out at people without thinking. I found it charming when people who utter little bon mots at someone else’s expense. While it worked for Dorothy Parker, it most definitely did not work for me and I was neither making friends nor influencing people. Twitter wasn’t a thing yet (thank God), but I was very quick to shoot off emails and I went ad hominem way too quickly. I am not proud of this. I am forever thankful that I somehow reinvented myself into a nice person. I USE MY WIT FOR GOOD GODDAMMIT! Punch up, not down!

Point being, that I understand his knee jerk reactions. I do not in any way condone them, but I know it is hurtful when people say mean things or make fun of you on SNL or say you look like my dead aunt’s rotting corpse’s asshole. That hurts. Someone on the Internet once told me that she had seen my user pic and I was “not all that and a bag of chips”. That was completely unnecessary.

But here’s the thing I learned early in my Internet days and I think it’s a good motto for life: If you care that Joan from Iowa thinks you are an asshole, then the internet is not for you.

Here is a motto that I just made up: if you can literally start an international war, complete with the use of ICBMs, then the internet is not for you.

How can I fix this? Thankfully I already did, thanks to the fine little pills I take every night.

How can D fix this? Get the fuck off the internet, son. It’s not for you.